The Midnight News 03.08.04

Posted by Hyatte on 03.08.2004

Lots of fun Hyatte stuff because we all know it's fun

Two weeks later…

Let's see, the great Chris Hyatte were fooled by a guy who was pretending to be a girl and who was also trying to trick you into having cyber-sex with him. Sounds like Sean Shannon's wet dream. You sure it wasnt him. If memory serves me right didnt he used to pretend to be a girl?

Andre Sabucco

Sort of. Apparently, Sean’s pretty convinced that he IS a girl… sorry, a woman stuck with facial hair and a penis. He has now fully embraced this (prosthetic breasts) and isn’t much happier for it… if his web blog is of any indication. Sean’s always fun to read.

But Sean didn’t pull this stunt. Not his style.

Anyway, this has been bugging me since last week; How did Orson Wells reveal War of the Worlds was a hoax? It's been driving me crazy. And no I will not go look it up.

Lost the name

He didn’t. The mainstream press did. Wells just had to go on the radio a week later and apologize for it. Apparently, it caused quite a ruckus. As if ANYONE would fall for such an obvious stunt like that…

uhh… yeah.

Anyway, hello Ass Sniffers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News and Jesus H, I’m late. I ended up falling asleep before the Sopranos premiered, slept right through it, and woke up just as the replay was coming on at midnight, so I ended up watching that, then I got online and started gathering stuff to write about then started to weep openly because there isn’t ANYTHING really to report on so I killed time and jacked off twice and now I find myself writing this at 4:30 in the morning. So that’s why this is late.

I’ve been gone for two weeks because one week just didn’t cut it… I was enjoying the time off too much. When you start paying me, I’ll start caring. Deal? Good.

What’s on tap for this week? Well… gee, I don’t know… what COULD have happened in the wrestling world that I could have a field day with this week? Gee… I wonder.

Anyway, off we go

BUT, PLUGS

I’ve actually have two.

The Real Time Guide to Life segment has been updated a couple of times over the last couple of weeks. I am officially out of questions, so get them in and I’ll tell you what to do with yourselves.

Now, do me, Hell, do YOURSELF a favor and go here. This is a poll I’m conducting. I’m thinking about breaking this column into two shorter columns spaced out over the week. If I do, then stuff like Guide to Life and The Book Club thing would return to this column. Honestly, I could go either way… so I’ll leave it up to you.

Don’t be a pussy either. Click the fucking thing and vote. There is no way in HELL I’ll know who voted for what. It’s all 1000% anonymous.

Creeps.

Oh, and BIG UPS (word, true dat, homies!!!) to whoever brought the “HYATTE RULES” sign to Raw a couple of weeks ago!! Right there, in full view during HHH’s opening promo. My God, it felt like the late 90’s all over again! You just don’t see that kind of stuff anymore. These days, the only people holding up signs with web guys names on it are the web guys themselves! (and to those who do that… shame on you, fucking losers)

THE GREEK GOD OF THE MID-CARD

Ray “Hercules” Hernandez died in his sleep a day or so ago. He was pushing 50, I guess.

Hercules was a classic mid-carder of the WWF 80’s. Big and bulky enough for Vince to love him, he had enough skills to actually go a while in every match, but was missing that certain “thing”… so he didn’t even get an IC title run. He was a lot like Test today, a good utility guy… a good “go-to” guy when they needed some mid-card storyline/wrestling filler.

Put it this way, if Hercules from ten years ago was working today, you net smarts would hate his ass.

What AMAZES me about this story was WHERE Hercules was found… he was living in Tampa! Jesus, who DOESN’T live in Tampa? What IS it about that stupid town? Do they just put the steroids right in the drinking water? Did some yokel build a wrestling ring in the middle of his Tampian farm because voices kept whispering, “If you build it, angry, broke workers will come!”

I mean, most Floridians are ashamed of Tampa. Flea lives in Orlando and on SEVERAL occasions he told me, “Only time you’ll ever see me in Tampa, Hi-Rate, is when I need to hire some black people for day work! Hyuck!”

Anywhoos, another wrestler died. AND IT’S MCMAHON’S FAULT!!! YES!!! VINCE AND TRIPLE H BOTH DECIDED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR HERCULES TO DIE!!!! DAMN THEM!!! DAMN THEM BOTH TO HELL!!!!

Why, let’s blame Vince for EVERYTHING… HE’S the one who told Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake that exposing her titty would sell CDs…

Speaking of Jackson… she can die now. She’s so frantic to pimp her new record that she had her nipple exposed on live TV and set off a major chain reaction that’s single handedly setting our culture back 50 years! Nice going, Miss Desperate, you old bat.

Justin Timberlake should be blamed too, but it looks like he’s gonna skate away scott free, and continue to ball just about every Hollywood fantasy actress there is in the process. Lucky prick.

Ugh… scariest word ever invented is the word “decency”.

I realize that those who are pushing the hardest to clean up the airways would have done it without the Superbowl flash. I understand that they just needed a decent excuse to really push the censorship issue. But really, we’re in this NIGHTMARE all because Janet wanted a few extra million bucks in her pocket, and because she wanted to show up the Britneys and Xtinas of the world… it’s ridiculous.

What a world this is… we have a gay priest first becoming Bishop, THEN becoming Diocese; we have homosexuals marrying each other; and we have a movie about the brutal death of Jesus, done completely in Aramic, earning over 100 million dollars in just a few days.

These are… interesting times.

By the way, about “The Passion of the Christ”… this movie proves the one thing that most of us have known for YEARS: make a movie where the Jews are the bad guys, and people will FLOOD the goddam theater! Damn skippy!

Anyway, Hercules is dead.

THE MIGHTY BENOIT PUSH

So, odds are Benoit’s going to win the big RAW strap at WM… or he’ll come THIS CLOSE and actually win it at the next Raw only ppv in his hometown of Edmonton in April. Either/or, it appears as if he’s gonna get a title run.

Now, here’s the funny part:

Internet Dreamboat, Chris Benoit, FINALLY getting the push that’s sending ALL OF

THE MARKS INTO AN ORGASMIC TAILSPIN!! FINALLY, Vince is doing something RIGHT for a change!! FINALLY, The CRIPPLER WILL GET HIS DUE!!! FINALLY, CANADA WILL RULE SUPREME!!! RIGHT???

Yeah, meanwhile, Chris Benoit has been knocked clean out in the last three episodes of Raw IN A ROW!! By the Shawn Michaels!!

No, I don’t mean Benoit’s sold a move. I mean Benoit has been LAID OOT COLD… flat oot on his back, SPREAD EAGLED… counting sheep… SNORING AWAY… with little tweety birds flying around his head. Not one week, not two weeks… THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!!

HAWHAWHAW!!! Even in the push of his LIFE he’s still the BITCH!!! HAW!!!!

This is Vince saying: “Fine, you want Benoit pushed? Here you go… CHOKE ON IT!!”

God, I love it! I also love the fact that this entire real, actual WWE storyline is practically And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H that I wrote months before! But NO ONE reads me, oh no… how silly of me to suggest that!

Vince has a LOT more to say, actually. I can’t believe it myself, but… well… keep reading

THE BROCKHEAD

Brock Lesnar’s moaning that after WM, when he beats Goldberg, he’s scheduled to work a program with the Undertaker… which would be the third program for these two (I guess it’s gonna be an annual thing)

Anyway, Brock doesn’t like the idea of being fed to the old fart UT… especially since the ‘Taker’s back in “dead man” mode… so if you thought he didn’t sell BEFORE?? Heh… heh heh heh… ho ho hooo…bitch, you don’t KNOW WHAT THE TERM, “No selling” means… heh heh heh.

So Brock’s taking about talking time off after Wrestlemania. Rather than work with the UT, he’d rather get on his personal jet and sit at home and pout.

So basically, he’s talking about doing the same exact thing Stone Cold did a couple of years ago when HE was asked to put over Lesnar.

Personally, I just think Brock wants to fly around on his jet for a few months and bang pussy… you can get some high quality tang when your opening line is, “Hi, I own my own jet.” Just ask Flea.

Another one who should shut the fuck up and do his job. Baby.

THE BOY WHO COULDN’T LEAVE IT ALONE

So anyway…

Fine, it’s been a while since I really bitchslapped someone.

What I’m talking about is the Fake Tammy Sytch, who now has a column somewhere else. Feel free to go look for it. It ain’t at the Torch, that’s for sure. Not even at the Lords of Pain. Hell, Rajah even wouldn’t touch it, and they’ll bring anyone in. It’s at a site that has managed to be around for years without anyone really noticing. Lot of sites like that, actually.

The fake Tammy (I can only call him the fake Tammy because he is still too deathly afraid of getting sued to put his own name up there) has so far written two columns for them, the first one was about how I handled everything wrong and how I suck because of it and the second one started off by saying he’s “all done” with me, then proceeded to reference my name a few dozen times throughout the column. He’s now crowing about how he slapped me down and humiliated me and how he has ALL SORTS OF stuff on me in private chats and stuff. Enough to chase me off the net FOREVER…

Oh for chrissakes.

The insinuation he is making, of course, is that he has transcripts of me trying to have cybersex with him.

You know, the nice thing about coming totally clean in a situation like this is that I have nothing to hide. I’ve aired out the whole scenario over the last two columns and didn’t leave anything out. The fact that he has ONLY threatened to post this “proof” and hasn’t done so already should tell everyone that he simply hasn’t written it yet.

The last time I had cybersex, there were two 9’s on the calender… not 3, 2. It was with a girl… I ended up fucking her in real life… she had an actual vagina. Cybersex is something everyone is allowed to try once or twice… you might even like it. I found it pretty fucking boring.

I was so caught up in the idea that it WAS the real Sytch that the thought of TRYING to cyber with her really didn’t occur to me. I wanted “her” for my column, and didn’t want to offend her by trying something so lame. Nevermind the fact that she’s married to a wrerstler who’s been known to beat the shit out of guys for looking in her direction.

The best, the absolute BEST this imbecile has on me is some flirting. Yeah, that’s REAL embarrassing. I FLIRTED with a girl online! Well gee FUCKING whiz… someone better fucking SHOOT ME. Hey, guess what, I flirt with girls in the real world TOO… I am SUCH a fag! I brown-nosed someone I thought was Tammy Sytch. Yeah, you REALLY have me over the barrel, sport. Good going! You are the new “bad boy”.

He could have left it all alone. I stood up and applauded the dude for scamming me… I but he wanted a column on 411. That’s the root of his anger. He didn’t become the star he thought he’d be off this. I only saved his ass from getting sued… sorry, I mean his PARENTS ass. So, now he’s hiding under some vague name and writing for a site that has maybe 25 readers at best. He wanted to be a member of the IWC! And you readers thought the IWC isn’t where dreams happen? Ha! How dare you!

See,. The problem is that this moron actually thinks YOU, the reader, gave a shit about what he wrote. He thinks that without being “Tammy Sytch”, without that name going for him, he STILL can be popular. Oh, he carries on about ALL the fan mail he got from people saying just how good a writer he is.

I’ve seen that e-mail… most of it was of the “you still look good Tammy” variety… not, “Wow, who knew you were a brilliant writer”, it was mostly all “Hey, I’m not sure if this isn’t a big joke on us, but I was a big fan back in the day.” They were mever complimenting HIM, they were complimenting Tammy Sytch. Flea didn’t make HIM #26 on the WC List, he made Tammy Sytch. Fuckbrain doesn’t understand that. He thinks it’s all about HIM… it’s actually pretty funny… sad, yet funny.

That wasn’t the ONLY e-mails he got… oh no… he also got at least one business proposal from some poor shmuck who wanted to try to make some money for himself and Tammy. The FAKE Tammy actually strung him along for a few months before e-mailing: “I talked to my business manager guy and he says it’s a bad idea, so I have to back off, sorry”. This was followed by ANOTHER e-mail to this poor dude from The fake Tammy that said: “How come you don’t talk to me anymore? I thought we were still friends. Sorry, I’m drunk”

Yeah, fuckhead was accepting business deals as Tammy, then backing out and sending him drunk e-mails Real smart move there, stupid. Especially smart when you consider that he KNOWS I knew he was doing this, yet still decided to fuck with me.

And if the poor guy who had this honest business idea for her is reading, I apologize for this asshole. Please write to me so we can look into really fucking this clown over.

This fake Tammy thinks he has shit on me. All he has is some flirting… mild flirting and some ass kissing. But did “she” TRY to get me into shit? Oh Lord did “she”… homeboy worked very hard to get me into trying some funny stuff… he worked very hard to convince me he was a horny chick.

TamSytch: Be nice to me and I’ll give you a sunny day, Hyatte

TamSytch: I once fucked a guy in a janitor’s closet

TamSytch: My nipples are sore they are very sensitive.

TamSytch: Would you plug my butt, Hyatte?

TamSytch: I left wrestling vixxxens because I didn’t like the direction Missy was taking it.

TamSytch: I only get nasty when the cameras are off.

TamSytch: Maybe I’ll show you what I mean one day

And of course, the one I already quoted:

TamSytch: I need a rat. Would you be my rat, Hyatte?

By the way he’s also mad because I’ve gone through this on the 411 forum a couple of weeks ago. He doesn’t want to be perceived as being gay.

Let’s make this clear: A DUDE, who posed AS A GIRL to try to get another DUDE (me) to cyberfuck him is mad that I’m making him out to look GAY

Go figure.

Like I said, he didn’t come right out and offer cybersex, but he tried like hell to get me to start it. I should have known better, but I just figured she was a natural flirt… the real girl’s rep suggests that she would be.

But the “dude” wants to push me. He couldn’t leave well enough alone. He feels slighted… like, “I did all this work and I didn’t get anything out of it?” No shit, Sherlock! Grow the fuck up. Your shit as “Tammy” wasn’t all that good anyway… a ten page essay on why TNA is so great wouldn’t light up the net if you didn’t have a fake ID to back it up. Now you can rant away on that small time site and swear up and down you carried my tired ass.

Thing is, you didn’t… Tammy Sytch did. All alone, you ain’t gonna carry jack shit.

And to the dumbasses who actually think this guy’s gonna FINALLY put your site on the map? Yeah, good luck with that. The best thing that’ll happen is the owner of your site will get sued right along with this idiot (hiding your name won’t help, stupid).

Dummies… all for Internet Stardom…

So, if you people want, go hunt down his column, give it a looksee, and you tell me if 411 missed the boat by not hooking onto this shining star and blistering talent. He is, after all, the “new Bad Boy”

… and even though he went months pretending to be a girl, rest assured, he’s ALL man… don’t you DARE think otherwise.

I’m done with this joke. If he, and his new web boys (whom, I’m sure, ONLY took him on for me to talk about him) want to keep this up, then they will have to really work to get my attention now. I wouldn’t have even given “her” this much promotion if I thought he had the skills to keep any new reader coming back. He doesn’t. He’s got nothing. He would have been better off pretending to be someone new. Like Babydoll!! Or maybe Sunshine!!

I’d wish him luck but he used all of his up scamming me, now he has to get by on talent. Heh… welcome to obscurity, “bad boy”.

Of course... there are WORSE things than being suckered by a guy pretending to be Tammy Sytch:

THE STING OF HONOR

Rob Feinstein.

You know… sometimes, you sit there and wonder: “Where’s are all the GOOD news stories? How come NOTHING cool ever happens in the world of pro rasslin?”

And then… like a bomb… right on your lap.

RFWrestling: im super str8 acting

RFWrestling: and dont like gay gay guys

RFWrestling: i lke str8 acting guys

PardayyBrand: me 2

RFWrestling::-D

PardayyBrand: but ur old and can go meet people

RFWrestling: lol

RFWrestling: not that old

PardayyBrand: how old ru?

RFWrestling: 23

PardayyBrand: yea but thats older then me and u can drive and drink im 14 and no one ever wants to see me cuz they say im jailbait but i cann't meet guys my age cuz the might tell guys at school

RFWrestling: damm 14

PardayyBrand: see

RFWrestling: lol ill pretend u said 18

* * * *

RFWrestling: damm wish u lived closer

RFWrestling: or at least not in IL

PardayyBrand: why ?

RFWrestling: duh lol

RFWrestling: your hot also

PardayyBrand: u want to be like boyfriends?

RFWrestling: lolol i got to get to know u

RFWrestling: plus your 14 lol

RFWrestling: i would be a great friend

RFWrestling: maybe more

And when I first heard about this, and looked through everything, only one thought came to my mind:

OH, WHY COULDN’T THIS HAVE BEEN DAVE SCHERER?????? OR AT LEAST BRUCE MITCHELL????

Rob Feinstein, who runs the Ring of Honor wrestling promotion and is the “RF” that makes those RF videos… those RF “Shoot” videos… had been caught at the home of what he thought was a 14 year old BOY. What he found, of course, was a local NBC news crew with microphones and cameras.

Immediately, Rob shouted, “No speako engrish!!” and hightailed it out of there. If they had closed to door behind him, there would’ve been a Rob-shaped hole in the door.

Heh heh heh…. Ohhh HA HAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAAAA

A seedy wrestling promoter? Get out of town!!

A GAY seedy wrestling promoter? Is this the Bizzarro world or something?

HEHEEE HAA HA HAH HA

The RF SHOOT!!! Now those are the videos I want to see!!

I wonder, does Rob shake hands with these chickens before and after anal sex? And if the kid introduces a vibrator… or a Vaseline covered poll cue… or a hamster, does Rob jump out of bed and say, “Oh no, none of THAT crap in my ring, PAL!!!”

HEE HEE!!!

Ring of Honor… NOTHING HONORABLE ABOUT ROB’S RING!!!! HAW HAW HAW!!! THERE AIN’T ANYTHING HONORABLE ABOUT WHAT HE’S UP TO!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

Think those “Shoot” videos he sold were dubbed over from his private stash? Wouldn’t it be funny if you go to the very end of the X-Pac shoot interview and suddenly it jumps to naked midgets surrounding Rob in a toga?

The other Ring of Honor guy has said that Feinstein is no longer associated with ROH… so you can still bring your kids to the show. It’s still fun for the whole family! Just some good ol’ fashioned rasslin’… sweaty, naked young studs rolling around, grappling with each other…. Bring the kids… just the boys tho’…

In fact, the new ROH promotion is the every kid under 12 who attends a show will get a free Laptop… with a Net provider absolutely free!! And they get to be on Feinstein’s “special, inside the Ring mailing list!” Please, no fat kids.

If Feinstein was smart, when he saw the cameras, he should’ve said, “Oh I was just working the gimmick! I thought I was being ribbed!”

OR, he could have said, “The kid said he was home alone! I was just making sure he was okay! Why bother me? Go hassle his damn parents! THEY’RE the neglectful assholes!! I’m just trying to be a good Samaritan!!”

OR he could have seen the cameras and said, “Thank God you guys are here!! Have you heard about that Mel Gibson movie? He’s got the Jews practically having ORGASMS over killing Christ!”

I actually DO feel bad for someone… that’s the wrestlers who will lose their jobs. Oh, ROH is done for, kids. You don’t come back from this.

And by the way, unless I’m off, all the guy did was show up at someone’s house. I’m not sure he even broke the law, really.

Well, of course he HAS broken the law because one HIGHLY doubts that this was Feinstein’s first chicken rodeo… it was only the first one he got caught at.

Did you know Feinstein had a Live Journal? Well he does… unless this is a trick.

And for some reason, it hasn’t been updated in a while… wonder why… but people have been posting on his little message boards… oh yes they HAVE…

-I guess it's true that back in 1978 you were the president of the 'unoffical' Pat Patterson Fan Club!

-Hey Rob!!!!

Find somebody (a guy) your OWN age!!!!!!!

With THIS incident you FUCKED UP RF Video!!!

You FUCKED UP ROH!!!!!

You FUCKED UP your OWN family!!!

And you FUCKED UP your OWN business reputation!!!

STUPID JACKASS!!!!

-Ohhhh hi Robbie!

This is your under age boy toy.

When are you cumming home tonite queen?

Oh my, I need a good foot massage with your tongue!

Cum'on Rob! I'm waiting.

-Rememeber when u were gonna send taz to come beat me up for selling tapes? You stupid fucking piece of shit. Save yourself the embarrassment and go kill yourself already. You're done, over. I knew you were a homo when you were staring at my crotch when i met you at that dump of a cart you had at franklin mills mall in PA, but this pedo thing is icing on the cake, just like the icing you wanted on your face from 14 yr old boys.....

An old friend...

-Im going to pirate every fucking shoot interview you ever did, then donate the money to the anti-pedophile movement.

You have been a pirate and bootlegger for years, and it finally caught up to you. Burn in hell.

Oh yeah, thanks for ripping us off with the first Bret Hart Shoot asshole.

-Hey Robby Fienstien, I just turned 16, does this mean I'm too old for you?

-umm Rob, if I told you that I was a vulnerable, 14yr old boy, would I have gotten my tapes faster?

-I hate it when Jews go bad.

-Thanks for this great, great pedophile bust! I'm definatley going to make this a storyline for NWA-TNA!

--Vince Russo

So the good news, at least RUSSO will get something out of this…

Dammit… why couldn’t it have been Meltzer? Oh how I would have LOVED that… the Hero of the Internet… KING of the Dirt Sheets… EVERYONE’S Hero… Oh I would have had a FIELD day…

Heh… The HELL is a Jew doing screwing with 14 year old boys?

Wait a second… phone’s ringing… ‘yellow? Yeah? Okay… okay…. Okay thanks. This just in, people… the Pat Patterson has just been seen running down the streets of Montreal buck naked, screaming, “T’ANK GOD!!! T’ANK GOD!!!! FINALLY THE HEAT IS OFF ME!!!! FINALLY I’M NO LONGER THE BIGGEST FAG IN THE BIZNESS!!!! T’ANK YOU ROB FEINSTEIN!!! T’ANK YOU FOR BECOMING THE POSTER BOY!!! WHOO HOOO!!!! WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOO” Good for Pat… he deserved a break.

The lesson here is… you can talk to underage kids online all you want, but for Chrissakes wait till they ripen before you go out to pick them. I had one GIRL who I met when she was 17… I didn’t TOUCH her until… until… oh, right, I never touched her, she smartened up and got a boyfriend… bitch… I put in so much time training her too… crap.

Oh, and of course, watch a ROH tape and you WILL go right to hell! Sorry, the finger that pressed “record” on the tape dubs of those matches is the same finger that’s BEEN UP THE BROWN RING OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!! Straight to Hell with ya’… sorry.

Suddenly, Rob Black looks respectable! HA!! All he does is the occasional skanky porn star! My god, HE CAN BE WRESTLING’S NEW SPOKESMAN!!

Uh oh… oh dear… Scott Keith has announced that he will be doing NO MORE rants about Ring Of Honor tapes… my God… they’re fucked NOW!!

Scooter takes a stand… HA!!

Heh, like he isn’t up to some nonsense… oh, I know a few things about him, folks… he’s not living clean! Nosiree!

Anyway, enough of the fake wrestlers and bullshit promoters… here’s a VERY special, VERY cool section that… you’ll have to SEE to believe! I’m seeing it right now and I can’t believe I got this lucky!!!

AN ATTACK FROM THE MCMAC

So one day I was bumming around online, NOT having cyber-sex when… all of the sudden, out of nowhere, I get THIS IM:

WWEVinMac: I wanna be in your column

Hyatte1com: And you are?

WWEVinMac: Vince McMahon. THE Vince McMahon

Of course, I was careful. You only fool me ONCE, god dammit! So, I asked him a bunch of questions only the TRUE Vince would know and he answered one or two of them before getting irritated and saying: WWEVinMac: Look, it’s me! Now eitrhert let me send you something for your column on a regular basis or I’ll find some OTHER asshole to make famous!!

Guys… this is legit! And Jesus Christ, I can’t contain my excitement! It’s him! The REAL Vince McMahon! This isn’t like the last time, I SWEAR… I know better!!

Look, GODDAMMIT!! I’ve been doing this for YEARS now… I am A NET CELEBRITY!!! IS IT TOO MUCH OUT OF THE QUESTION THAT VINCE MCMAHON WOULD COME TO ME WHEN HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY??? OF COURSE IT IS NOT!!!

So, a few minutes later, I get this in the mail… it sounds like HIM too.

God… this is BIG time!

Sop, without further adieu, I am proud to present, EXCLUSIVELY to the Midnight News: The Attack from the McMac: by Vincent Kennedy McMahon

You can all suck me

I have decided to use this forum for an opportunity to speak directly to you, the Internet audience. I am using this gentleman’s column because he provides a safety valve with his utter and complete lack of credibility. In short, I can freely speak my mind here as opposed to the dirt sheets, of which I pay little mind.

That said, I choose to address you, the internet audience, with a few words meant to inspire and hopefully delight.

You goddam cancerous leeches.

Who do you slimy cocksuckers think you are? Who are you to attempt to direct my company? Who are you to tell me what I’m doing wrong? You are nothing, you know nothing, and you have no earthly clue what you want from your ‘rasslin’ product!

That’s right, I said “rasslin’”! Because that’s what you think the WWE is, “rasslin’” when we are, in fact, entertainment. We don’t hide it. We make this clear. We don’t want pure, technical wrestlers, we want pure, technical ENTERTAINERS. If I could train a monkey to do a super-hurra-plancha or whatever that damn fool neck breaking move is, I would, so long as he could go on the stick. So long as he could DRAW!!

You want “rasslin’”, go order that southern suckfest that those inbred hillbillys have the nerve to charge you for every week. It’s a whole company filled with wallet-draining has-beens and never-coulds. This is what happens when I’m not there to run things, you get greedy, selfish hicks who couldn’t get it done in the big leagues turning his company into his own personal forum. I gave Jeff Jarrett TWO major opportunities to get over in my company, and he couldn’t do it! He didn’t have the grapefruits!

So, bitch all you want, troglodytes! Keep it up and I’ll start running a major PPV every goddam WEEK! And you’ll have no choice but to order them ALL! You can’t resist it. Even though you say you can’t stand my product, you keep shoveling your parent’s money into my pocket! I can’t remember the last time the WWE hasn’t ended a year in the black. A week doesn’t go by when I don’t pocket at least a million! I’m so rich, I buy yachts with sofa change!

So keep whining! Keep groaning! Keep sobbing like a bunch of little girls! I just keep getting richer and richer off your pathetic tears! And there isn’t a thing you can do about it!!

You ‘rasslin’ fans are the dumbest bunch of suckers I’ve ever come across. It is my pleasure to relieve you of your money!

And be sure to order Wrestlemania XX this Sunday, live from Madison Square Garden. Where it all begins, again. Could this be Chris Benoit’s dream finally realized? Will Edie Guerrero finally get redemption? Can Brock Lesnar stop the mighty Goldberg? What role will Stone Cold Steve Austin play? Has the Rock & Sock Connection met it’s match against Evolution? Will the Dead man rise once again? What surprises do we have in store? Call your local cable or satellite company and order the show!

And that’s my Attack

Wow… hard core.

This time I SWEAR, it’s really legit! I mean, who the HELL would use WWEVinMac@yahoo.com as his e-mail address? It HAS to be him!

Please write to him… FLOOD his mail box so he’ll come back again and again!! But be nice, make me look good!

God… my mind is, like, SO blown right now. Thank you, Mr. McMahon, sir.

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Slappy, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He slept with Joanie Laurer so you wouldn’t have to.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER!

I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming. Especially Justin Parr, who is clearly the MVP of sending these quotes out. Thanks bro’

1: Why do they always call the other guy the best man? - Heenan

Bobby, you better shut-up. Marriage is the most sacred ceremony we can have - Piper

Yeah, besides a will reading - Heenan

Brain, I’ll knock you out myself - Gorilla

I assume Gorilla, that all the people in the ceremony are related to Macho Man or Elizabeth - Piper

The ring bearer is actually a midget - Heenan

Will you STOP ! – Gorilla: Summerslam ‘91

2: (*sniff sniff) That fear I smell on you, boy?

No, it's your mom - I just got off of her about 10 minutes ago!- Angel (of Da Baldies) and Raven

3: It’s time to reach inside a man's tights and pull something out- Arn Anderson

4: I would slap you JR, but it looks like God already beat me to it.- Tazz on Raw

5: If you hung the Giant for being smart you would be hanging an innocent man.- Syxx on Nitro

6: The last time Bob Artese got a piece of ass is when his finger went through the toilet paper- Joel Gerner on ECW.

7: How's my extended family Jim? I forgot to tell ya, I don't even give a damn about my own family, and I think even less of this sewer of human waste that sits before me! It's easy to see why Jeffery Dahmer tried to consume this whole state from head to toe! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!- Brian Pillman interview with Jim Ross, at WWF King Of The Ring 1996, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

8: You people need to show me some respect- Gertner

YOU'VE GOT HERPES!- crowd

Looks like the crowd's got a diagnosis- Joey Styles

Why do you look at me when that chant starts up?- Francine from ECW

9: I'm embarrassed that Dean Malenko's been doing the talking all these weeks because I AM WCW and I'm telling you, I want control right here. You know what? My WIFE would like control, but you know what she does? What I tell her, just like you punk. I'm the boss. I'm the boss.- Flair: Nitro ‘99

10: You’re not gonna sing the Russian anthem cause this is the land of the free and the home of the brave!- Hacksaw Jim Duggan, without a shred of irony at Wrestlemania 3

THE FUNNIEST HOMOSEXUAL ANTI-SEMITE ALIVE… WHO’S DEAD

Normally, this is where the movie quotes would come from, but I decided to give you a treat here.

I forgot who sent me these, but you have my utmost thanks. These are great.

Now, most of you young punks weren’t alive in the 70’s (and I was just a toddler, so let’s NOT start calling me grandpa, you damn kids… I’m at the age where I can still pull off the youth yet mature enough to fuck your girlfriend…. well…

Anyway, in the 70’s, there was a game show called “The Hollywood Squares”, the one you see now is the fourth version of this original. (There was this one, the John Davidson, Shadow Stevens, Joan Rivers one in the early 90’s, the Whoopie one, and the current Fonzie one). The one in the 70’s ruled all.

Why? Because it was syndicated in the mornings, in the 70’s, yet, as you will see, the material the comics used on this show wouldn’t even FLY in today’s day and age, (fuckin’ Janet Jackson ruined it for EVERYONE). Some of this stuff is HARD CORE for the era, Jesus, it’s hard core for TODAY.

Oh, and it’s also the place where Paul Lynde shined. Paul Lynde was a low rent tv actor who was about as gay as they got. Paul Lynde was so gay Liberace once called him and said, “Dude, butch up a bit.” Paul Lynde was so gay that Helen Keller was set-up on a blind (hawr… Hi-8 rules) date with him and said, “My god, he’s SUCH a fag!”

Funny thing about Paul Lynde is that he used to get drunk before and after the show tapings and go on long, gay, drunken rants about the Jews.

What I remember about him is that Lynde was ALWAYS in the center square, he ALWAYS had a funny line, and he ALWAYS followed said funny line with an equally funny, self-congratulatory giggle.

The host was Peter Marshall… what I have here is a whole bunch of funny remarks to innocent questions from not only Lynde, but from other show regulars. This is some really cool stuff. And remember, this all went down on morning TV in THE 70’S… THAT’S the whacky part. You’ll NEVER see Henry Winkler coming out with lines like this:

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Peter Marshall: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

Charley Weaver: His feet

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?

Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?

George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Greatgrandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?

Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Hell’s Angels in chiffon… HA!! I can totally see that! Bunch’a fags.

I love this stuff… keep sending them, whoever you are… and movie stuff too… and wrestling quotes… and pix of your wife naked… oh, wait, already have those…. Man, that’s a big ass!

Anyway, let’s take this thing home with some shitty news to really put a stink on your day!

THE DAY THE EARTH BREAKS KAYFABE

Yeah, that’s the dumbest title ever…

Anyway, I got this from here

. It’s actually pretty sad… and alarming… and heartbreaking… except for the part where England freezes over… That be pretty funny, actually. Argh, I’m shiverin like a bloody poodle, I am!.

Now the Pentagon tells Bush: climate change will destroy us

Mark Townsend and Paul Harris in New York

Sunday February 22, 2004

The Observer

Climate change over the next 20 years could result in a global catastrophe costing millions of lives in wars and natural disasters..

A secret report, suppressed by US defence chiefs and obtained by The Observer, warns that major European cities will be sunk beneath rising seas as Britain is plunged into a 'Siberian' climate by 2020. Nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting will erupt across the world.

The document predicts that abrupt climate change could bring the planet to the edge of anarchy as countries develop a nuclear threat to defend and secure dwindling food, water and energy supplies. The threat to global stability vastly eclipses that of terrorism, say the few experts privy to its contents.

'Disruption and conflict will be endemic features of life,' concludes the Pentagon analysis. 'Once again, warfare would define human life.'

The findings will prove humiliating to the Bush administration, which has repeatedly denied that climate change even exists. Experts said that they will also make unsettling reading for a President who has insisted national defence is a priority.

The report was commissioned by influential Pentagon defence adviser Andrew Marshall, who has held considerable sway on US military thinking over the past three decades. He was the man behind a sweeping recent review aimed at transforming the American military under Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

Climate change 'should be elevated beyond a scientific debate to a US national security concern', say the authors, Peter Schwartz, CIA consultant and former head of planning at Royal Dutch/Shell Group, and Doug Randall of the California-based Global Business Network.

An imminent scenario of catastrophic climate change is 'plausible and would challenge United States national security in ways that should be considered immediately', they conclude. As early as next year widespread flooding by a rise in sea levels will create major upheaval for millions.

Last week the Bush administration came under heavy fire from a large body of respected scientists who claimed that it cherry-picked science to suit its policy agenda and suppressed studies that it did not like. Jeremy Symons, a former whistleblower at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), said that suppression of the report for four months was a further example of the White House trying to bury the threat of climate change.

Senior climatologists, however, believe that their verdicts could prove the catalyst in forcing Bush to accept climate change as a real and happening phenomenon. They also hope it will convince the United States to sign up to global treaties to reduce the rate of climatic change.

A group of eminent UK scientists recently visited the White House to voice their fears over global warming, part of an intensifying drive to get the US to treat the issue seriously. Sources have told The Observer that American officials appeared extremely sensitive about the issue when faced with complaints that America's public stance appeared increasingly out of touch.

One even alleged that the White House had written to complain about some of the comments attributed to Professor Sir David King, Tony Blair's chief scientific adviser, after he branded the President's position on the issue as indefensible.

Among those scientists present at the White House talks were Professor John Schellnhuber, former chief environmental adviser to the German government and head of the UK's leading group of climate scientists at the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. He said that the Pentagon's internal fears should prove the 'tipping point' in persuading Bush to accept climatic change.

Sir John Houghton, former chief executive of the Meteorological Office - and the first senior figure to liken the threat of climate change to that of terrorism - said: 'If the Pentagon is sending out that sort of message, then this is an important document indeed.'

Bob Watson, chief scientist for the World Bank and former chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, added that the Pentagon's dire warnings could no longer be ignored.

'Can Bush ignore the Pentagon? It's going be hard to blow off this sort of document. Its hugely embarrassing. After all, Bush's single highest priority is national defence. The Pentagon is no wacko, liberal group, generally speaking it is conservative. If climate change is a threat to national security and the economy, then he has to act. There are two groups the Bush Administration tend to listen to, the oil lobby and the Pentagon,' added Watson.

'You've got a President who says global warming is a hoax, and across the Potomac river you've got a Pentagon preparing for climate wars. It's pretty scary when Bush starts to ignore his own government on this issue,' said Rob Gueterbock of Greenpeace.

Already, according to Randall and Schwartz, the planet is carrying a higher population than it can sustain. By 2020 'catastrophic' shortages of water and energy supply will become increasingly harder to overcome, plunging the planet into war. They warn that 8,200 years ago climatic conditions brought widespread crop failure, famine, disease and mass migration of populations that could soon be repeated.

Randall told The Observer that the potential ramifications of rapid climate change would create global chaos. 'This is depressing stuff,' he said. 'It is a national security threat that is unique because there is no enemy to point your guns at and we have no control over the threat.'

Randall added that it was already possibly too late to prevent a disaster happening. 'We don't know exactly where we are in the process. It could start tomorrow and we would not know for another five years,' he said.

'The consequences for some nations of the climate change are unbelievable. It seems obvious that cutting the use of fossil fuels would be worthwhile.'

So dramatic are the report's scenarios, Watson said, that they may prove vital in the US elections. Democratic frontrunner John Kerry is known to accept climate change as a real problem. Scientists disillusioned with Bush's stance are threatening to make sure Kerry uses the Pentagon report in his campaign.

The fact that Marshall is behind its scathing findings will aid Kerry's cause. Marshall, 82, is a Pentagon legend who heads a secretive think-tank dedicated to weighing risks to national security called the Office of Net Assessment. Dubbed 'Yoda' by Pentagon insiders who respect his vast experience, he is credited with being behind the Department of Defence's push on ballistic-missile defence.

Symons, who left the EPA in protest at political interference, said that the suppression of the report was a further instance of the White House trying to bury evidence of climate change. 'It is yet another example of why this government should stop burying its head in the sand on this issue.'

Symons said the Bush administration's close links to high-powered energy and oil companies was vital in understanding why climate change was received sceptically in the Oval Office. 'This administration is ignoring the evidence in order to placate a handful of large energy and oil companies,' he added.

Yeah, so… the hell with it… let’s ALL fondle a few 14 year old boys! Why not screw it… chickens for everyone!

I’ll tell you what… I better get me some FINE ass before I check out… I mean high QUALITY ass…. Trish Stratus better watch out! I’m coming.

I’ll tap her… then I’ll fly over to Illinois and shut some OTHER chick up… then it’s over to Buffalo for another smart mouth… then down to Florida for some REAL unfinished business… by God, I’ll bang anything that walks if the world’s about to take us out…

I guess we’re all set here. I’ve got a lot covered. We’ve had some fun. Perhaps we even LEARNED something.

So, do remember to vote… and we’ll see what I do.

Next week, I guess I’ll forgo the usual MidNews format and focus on the big WM show…. Hopefully, there will be lots of stuff goof worthy.

Quick guesses as to what happens: Stratus goes heel and turns on Jericho, Angle and Guerrero have the MATCH OF THE YEAR for exactly the length of time it takes for Hunter, Benoit, and HBK’s match to end. Then they will lose the title. Goldberg works the same match he always works, and gets overshadowed by Austin/McMahon ’04, and… maybe a surprise appearence from either/or Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan OR Randy Savage. And it’ll be a killer show yet you clowns will STILL find shit to bitch about!! Benoit could win the fuckin’ title and there will be imbeciles screaming, “LOOK AT HOW HHH GOT RIGHT UP AFTER BENOIT HIT HIM!!!! THAT RAT BASTARD!!!” Oy, Vince is SOOO RIGHT about you!

It IS him, would I lie to you?

Anyways… go do whatever it is you do and I’ll do the same and blah blah blah.

Janet Jackson… the old hag just HAD to try to sell a few albums and now everyone’s screwed. C-word. Timberlake too.

Man, sorry for this column… not only is it late, but it SUCKS TOO... my fault.. I waited too long.

Now excuse me, I have to go see if Pat McNeil gets excited over young Hispanic pre-teeners with a harelip named “Alberto”… and if he does, BOY will I have a story for next week!

This is Hyatte